I just found out that Steve Irwin has died, and despite the fact that I never met him it actually hurt to find this out. I looked up to him, respected him, and admired his dedication. I couldn't believe it was true, at first. He lived life hard. He was ALIVE, he didn't just live.

Yes he did work in a dangerous field, and yes he did push the envelope a little bit, but he loved animals and it was his mission, simply, was to spread that love to others so that others cared about conservation as much as he did. So that others found beauty in every animal in existence and felt moved enough to make sure none of them died out. He wanted people to love even the ugly ones, the grumpy ones, the vicious, frightening ones.

I watched Crocodile Hunter and wanted to visit the zoo he worked at when I did, eventually, visit Australia. I had assumed that when I went I'd catch a glimpse of him running from one pen to the other, or catch a show or something. I'm still going to visit Australia, and his zoo, but the visit just won't be the same.

Through the years people have been making predictions that one of his crocs will ultimatly be the one to take him down. I knew he was much too familiar with their body language to ever slip up. He's been bitten by things before. He was dang-near indestructible.

He was a great man, a great inspiration, and will be sorely missed.

 
I've finally decided to give up my webcomic account with Keenspace (or as it is now called Comic Genesis). Three years later, I know, but it's time I gave it up. It's unfair to people who want an account AND are up to the challenge.

I want to do a webcomic BADLY. It'll be good for not only my creativity, but it's a form of publishing and to have a webcomic will help me get a foot in the door (I believe...). It's frustrating because my brain won't allow me to stick with one story for longer than a month. Which is about the time I have enough of it planned to start drawing for real. I sabatoge everything I create by losing interest or becoming skittish about finishing or producing it. I hate myself sometimes. Or at least that particular trait of mine.

I've gone through Thor the Nudist, Thor the Nude Imaginary Friend, Icegaze the Bookseller, Bear's Triad, Planet Fur Times Two, Icegaze's Life, and Prostitue Manor as ideas and while all of them are very interesting (well... some more than others), I can't sit still long enough to DO anything about it. I think its the secret part of myself that doesn't want to try for fear of failure. But how in the HELL am I supposed to succeed if I worry about failing so much I don't even get past the starting line? Augh me, I say! AUGH MEEEEE!

I've come up with a handful of interesting little short stories and a really good idea for a webcomic that I think will WORK, and I just... when I come home from work I lose all desire to do anything but eat, stare at something (TV or book), and go to sleep, it's frustrating. Especially since I can't very well take a sabatical to concentrate on working on an art project or I'll STARVE AND DIE from lack of food becuase of lack of money.

I've seen more than a few livejournals working as webcomics. A lot of people who were on DeviantART have fled to LJ because they retain rights to the art they make unlike DeviantART now that management has decided to turn the place into a commercial ... place. I took all of my original stuff off, but since I mostly do fanstuff anyway it didn't put much of a dent in my account...

I'm killing my own atempts at making it in the art world. Damn me. I need to stop acting like a child and treat my hobby as a job. It's an outlet, and I'll still love it, but I was the one to wanted to make this my life. I'll always draw no matter what my job is. But I want drawing to BE my job. I need to buck up, get serious, and treat it like a job, dammit. Quit being such a sissy.

BLAR.

Anyway, my current problem is comic genesis won't let me log on to delete my account. I know I've got the name and password right - it's what I've always used to get on before (like the last fifty times I tried to do something and didn't get past thinking about it *grumble*) but it just flickers and seems to reload the login page. Woot. I don't want to just ignore it and hope it will go away becuase it's not right to keep space on a server that can be delegated to a person who will USE the damn space all becuase I can't log in. But at the same time how am I supposed to delete my stuff off of it if I can't log in. *goes in circles like a dog chasing her tail*

DAMMMMNNNNNNMMEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

 
I am sick and I feel like shit.

I thought it was something I ate last night - that sausage looked a little pink and raw to be... right... but I figured it would be okay since it was packaged up and the kind you don't cook - the kind you slice and put on crackers.

I woke up a whole lot from 7 until when I finally gave in and got up at noon. My stomach hurt and I could only lay down in certain positions so it wouldn't hurt. I spent a lot of time waiting for the pain to stop, then dozed back off into exhuasted sleep.

I felt nausious so the thought of eating wasn't a favorite one, but I had slept through breakfast, so I needed to. However, being the stupid girl that I am, I picked a frozen dinner of cheese and pasta - two very hard things to digest. An hour later I was shifting around on my chair trying to find a comfortable position while I had a headache, my joints ached, and I had hot and cold flashes AND my stomach hurt and liked to throw food-flavored stomach acid up my throat. Yay indigestion!

I don't think I've got food poisoning anymore. Not only have I not thrown up - and that's pretty much a garuntee if you have food poisoning - but the other symptoms are decidedly flu-like. Dammit.

Damn you flu season! Damn you body for inviting any and all diseases, viruses, and common colds in to play Kill The Antibodies! Damn you immune system for being pathetically poor for someone who has allergies! Damn me for lazy hygene + working in the children's department at work 9 times out of 10!

On the upside I don't work today. However I work tomorrow and if I'm not better by then, there will be major problems.

I've worked (so far) two days this week since work is cutting back on hours.
And also the Manga Workshop I'm doing is tomorrow. I've been looking forward to it since november. I CAN'T be sick right now. I can't afford it and I don't want it.

*grumbles*

 
I've pretty much been inactive when it comes to the internet.

I've been checking my mail for a response from Elfquest, been checking deviantART to see if I've gotten any new messages (I haven't looked at the deviations yet, and it's really starting to pile up on me, yeeks) and otherwise I'm not that inclined to do anything else. Glance at something here, look something up there, but otherwise no.

I can call all my real life (and nearby) friends on the phone and Cees is HERE so there's no real NEED for me to go on MSN and chill.

Work is helping too, to keep me occupied. I know I've been complaining about it for some time now, but it's getting to the point where I need to quit. It's not that I hate the job. I'm starting to need something else. And because of how involved I'm trying to get with getting published by SOMEBODY I definitely need a job that won't suck up so much of my time. Or, best case scenario, pay me oodles for taking up so much of my time. I can handle being this busy if I'm being paid more. I'm starting to feel stagnant and bored and scared that this is the rest of my life even though I've told myself a million times this wasn't going to be a career job.

I've been scouting around for other comic publishers that scream "do you want to submit to us? Here are the requirements." Because of it they're small and just starting out or at the very least haven't had that huge explosion of *everyone* knowing about them and loving them, but the last time I checked I was in that same boat... only worse since the only people who know I exist in that arena are friends and fans of my fanart. Which, frankly, don't count.

I'm not giving up on Elfquest but they don't employ people, just make temporary contracts with them. If they like me they'll make more than a few contracts, or a very large contract, but either way they say up front 'we're not permanent.' A large part of me wishes that wasn't true, but they have their reasons and I can respect that.

There is at least four other comic publisher anthology people that I have found and want to submit to. Among them eigoMANGA and Purrsia Press. EigoMANGA I found at Anime Pop (and only there, I want more!). Purrsia Press I found on an advertisement at A-kon. I've decided which stories I want to submit to who so now it's just the doing that needs to be done.

After Harry Potter 6 comes out - that's when I'm going to get serious about another job. I noticed that Borders lets their employees wear jeans and it's rumored that they pay them more. Also I'm curious how to run a small store like Anime Pop or Lone Star. I'm QUITE positive they have crappy hours and crappier pay, AND they're full to the gills with employees at the moment since they are so small. But I'm curious. Especially since I want to open up a store myself... well, technically WE (Cees and I) want to open up a store, but it's mostly been me doing research. Go me.

I'm going to be selling things at A-kon next year. Prints and the like. Both Kunika and I will be. We've even come up with a joint name for us as working partners. We took notes while were at a-kon though I'm sure we won't be selling as much as I'm planning we should (Enough to get us in the dealer room instead of the Comic Market).

 
So I had a freaky dream. I wasn't even in it. Which is probably why it was so freaky.

There are three characters that the dream is about - one is an overseer, the other two participants in a game. They're very different and don't really get along and now that they're competing against each other they REALLY don't get along.

Of course to add to the realm of freaky dreams it's like a video game game. You gotta run here, ski here, land in this swirling pool of magic here. One guy got there before the other and it turns out they can't go to the next level until both hit the pool at the same time. This pisses the guy that got there first so he stalks off and the overseer has a track him down and shove both guys into the pool at the same time.

This overseer is a very important person with an excellent reputation, the inclination to teach people to better themselves, and great abilities. He creates strawberry patches. (like I said, weird dream) At first I was under the impression that it was just a 'whoever gets to the finish line fastest' contest, but after the two of them fell into the pool at the same time they enter a world of their creation and the overseer walks around tsking and chastizing them for it.

They were supposed to create a world that they both could understand, but it was a messed up hybrid of both of them and it's obvious they're so very different. One guy saves unwanted animals. The other guy is hispanic (becuase spanish was on the other side of the messed up calculator - don't ask) but his form never stays the same. At one point he was a cat. Don't ask.

The overseer is loudly complaining at the FUCKED UP oversized strawberry patch (couldnt even tell they were strawberries they were so messed up) they had made. Because of his influence on them they created a bit of him in their world as well, but because they are so different and not working together he's close to (comically) weeping at how they butchered something he takes great pride in. The two contestants whisper to each other while the overseer stalked forward, onto the next horrible mess up, saying that the overseer has created five seperate worlds, all of them with wonderful patches.

The hispanic guy comes over with a photo and shoves it into the other guy's face (he was really fat so we'll call him fatty) and asks 'what the hell is this supposed to be?' They stare at it for a while, focusing on a weird circle that has a rectangular bar slit in the middle and an amber circle around it. The overseer tells them to flip the photo over which reveals the hispanic guy's grandmother, a button in the same place as the weird circle on the other side. Then slowly the photo starts to make sense. It's not a button on fatty's side, it's an eye of a sheep. Only the sheep is a hybrid, a messed up one no one wants becuase it's half freaky curl, half shaggy straight hair. The guy, however, upon finding it wandering around nearby thinks it's the most adorable thing and immediately bonds with it.

And that's about where I woke up.

I know the personality of fatty and the overseer the most. The overseer becuase he had such a vivid personage, definitely made an impression, and fatty because he was whose eyes I saw through most of the time, or at least who I hovered near.

It was an odd dream, but interesting enough to write down so I don't forget it. It wasn't me stressing out or trying to work over a problem I have when awake, but an actual story. Still questy, like 85% of my dreams, but in a different kind of way. This one was more character based than quest based.